Unposted Notes

I never had a best friend growing up. They said if you’re the youngest child, you get to enjoy being the baby. But why does it feel like it doesn’t apply to me?

I grew up in a big family, lots of older sisters and an older brother. I was the baby but when I first got my consciousness, I felt like I was alone. I had nobody.

My sisters were close with each other while my only brother was my parent’s dream of having a son. I was growing up…. Apart from everyone.

I had my own world. I was discovering me and the things I would like to be, I would like to be in.

I was a free bird in school. I never confided in anyone. I kept my thoughts compartmentalized in my head. I did not need to share nor had the interest for people to know what I was thinking.

University came and I met a few good kids. We stuck together until we got out of school and explored the outside world together.

We are now in different seasons of our lives. I feel too far away. I feel alone.

Sometimes I contemplate whether I have been a good friend or I was just a bully that they had to get along with for some reason. They probably just didn’t like me. Some realities we have to admit.

In this world of connectivity, I feel more disconnected from my so called friends. We have nothing to talk about since our lives seems already exposed online.

Do you feel the same way?

Right now, I feel like I have been that odd friend, the bad one they choose to avoid in order to keep their sanity.

It’s sad.

It’s lonely.